A Long Forgotten DREAM

Today is the 5th day since our last day of school. Yes that's right, I'm a student... again!

It's been almost 5 years now since my college graduation, and here I am, back to student life. Exactly 1 year and 1 month ago, I was working in my desk, when I suddenly decided to take up law. Actually, I've always wanted to study law since I was in 2nd year high school. I remember it was my and Daddy's secret dream. We were in our car one day, Daddy was fetching me from school. I forgot how it started, but we were talking about my future. I told him I wanted to work in an office, so he suggested I take up Accountancy. It's a good course, he said. Then it's even better if you take up law after that, you'd be a Corporate Lawyer, Daddy said smiling. I liked the sound of it, so I told him that's what I want. And that was the day when Dad and I secretly dreamed of me becoming a lawyer.

But they say, things tend to change as we grow older. When I graduated from college, I was so eager to work and earn on my own that I forgot all about law school. I was young, carefree and stupid to think that having a job, any job, was fulfilling and exciting. Plus, I had this silly illusion that it would be great to finally be independent. And so I immediately grab the very first opportunity that came, and it was a job as Reservations and Ticketing staff of Asiana Airlines in Cebu. I remember it so well, I was so excited especially when I saw our office, my desk, my computer, my very own set of office supplies, complete down to the last post its. I was like a kid in a candyworld, so amazed about everything.

Days became weeks, and weeks became months. Before I knew it, I was already working for 2 years. Then one day, I finally reflected about my life. I was happy with my job, no matter how demanding it is. But I wasn't contented, I felt like there is something more out there than this. I felt like this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. On that note, I decided to quit my job and try to apply to other companies. I decided to look outside the travel industry. Around 2 months after, I found myself hired by NCR Corporation, it's a US-based IT and Manufacturing company. I worked there as a customer service representative. We follow US business hours, and so, being at the other side of the world, I have to work in a graveyard shift, from 8pm to 5am Mondays to Fridays.

It was a great job, the pay was good, the work was challenging, and the colleagues are all cool and very friendly. In general, it was the best working environment notwithstanding the fact that we were like nocturnal creatures, asleep at day and awake at night. I was happy working there, and would have still be until now if not for another twist that came into my life. After about 1 year and 3 months working in NCR, I again had that very familiar feeling. I was trying to ignore it at first, but later on, it grew stronger until I finally accepted and said to myself, "Here I go again!". I was not contented, an inner voice kept on whispering "Really? Is that it? Is that what you really wanted to do for the rest of your life?".

It was April 6, 2009 ( I could never forget that date) when I had a chance to chat with a college classmate of mine. She told me she just graduated from law and will be taking the bar exam September of that year. And then it suddenly hit me, I want to take up law! It was my long forgotten dream, a dream that Daddy and I shared. No wonder I was never contented, that no matter how I tried to enjoy life, I always feel like there's something I'm missing out. It only took me 5 seconds to decide, I'm going to study law the very next opening of classes, and that's June.

It was an amazing feeling, like I just suddenly know what to do, the pieces got suddenly connected to form a whole. The very next day, I was searching the internet and phonebook for law schools in Cebu. Then I called up 2 of them, University of San Carlos (USC) and University of San Jose-Recoletos (USJR). I asked for entrance exam schedules and requirements. I got very excited, it felt right. I told my Mom and sisters about it, they were so supportive and I was very happy. I have to add, I'm so lucky to have them in my life. My original plan was to study law and still keep my job. The only way I could do that is to take the executive classes, only Saturdays and Sundays. And only USJR offers that schedule. So I went there, took the entrance exam, passed, and started to inquire for the requirements. When I asked for the study load, they told me I have to take summer classes, it was in the curriculum for executive class. I asked when it will start so that I could get the requirements and enroll, then the guy looked at me and said, "Tomorrow is the 1st day of the summer class." My eyes got wide in shock, "Tomorrow? Why didn't you tell me earlier, I still have to prepare requirements for enrollment!" I got so pissed and walked out without ever glancing back. I was so disappointed. I got home and started to rethink my options. I decided to take up regular classes, and the best school to enroll is USC. Now my problem was the conflict of schedule. Regular law classes in USC start at 5:30pm and ends at 8:30pm Monday to Friday, and 1:30pm to 5:30pm on Saturday, while my job is from 8pm to 5am. I was having a hard time thinking how I'm going to go about it.

My Mother solved that problem for me. She told me to quit work, and be a full-time law student. It was never my plan to quit my job, I love what I was doing, plus I didn't want to bother my family for financial support. But Mom told me it was best to focus on my studies, she said it would not be healthy if I go to school at night and then work afterwards till early morning. She told me I can never study well with that lifestyle, and I could get sick for lack of rest.

May 29, 2009 was my last day of working at NCR. We were having a despedida party at the office, my officemates gave me souvenirs or remembrance. One is a large paper with messages from everybody, and the other one was a huge frame with our pictures in it. They're so sweet and thoughtful. It was very heartwarming and I felt so sad to leave. Nevertheless, I moved on, got enrolled in law school, and here I am today, I have just finished my first year of law in USC. Hopefully, if God permit, I will be in my second year this coming June. And if I may add, I've never felt this contented and happy to be finally living my dream.

That's the story of my journey to realizing that our dreams or goals in life will really haunt us when we forget about them. No matter how we try to enjoy life, at the end of the day, we feel that annoying vibe of discontentment and dissatisfaction. When we start to accept that feeling, and finally do something about it, things will fall into the right places.

So if there's something bothering you, think hard, reflect and try to remember what you have been forgetting, what you have been ignoring. You might be surprised what it can do to your life. Don't be scared to explore your options, it's never too late to turn to a new direction, or take the twist of fate. Remember, life is too short and you don't get to have a second one.

my sisters, my bestfriends

Some people call them Geve and Gerda, others call them Gigi and Bb Gay, still some call them Dokie and Narsie; but I call them my Ate and Nanan, or sometimes when i’m being "lambing", I call them Ateko and Nananko. They’re my two elder sisters and bestfriends. I am so thankful to God for giving them to me, and I feel so lucky. For me, my Ate and Nanan are the best and coolest sisters ever. We’re so close that I could tell them everything, and I love them both so much. Sometimes, they treat me like a baby eventhough I’m now an adult. But I can’t blame them coz I’m the youngest in the family and I’ll always be their baby sister. And honestly, I kinda like it because it makes me feel very much loved and cared for. hehehe… :D

My Ate is 8yrs older than me, when we were still kids, our age gap was very much visible and felt in all aspects of our young life. Ever since I was a child, I’ve always looked up to her, and I respect her so much. Now that we’re grown ups, although I’m taller than she is, for just about an inch or two, and we get along so well that sometimes I forget our age gap, my respect for her as an elder sister, the Ate, has always been there.

My Nanan is 4yrs older than me. When we were very young, we always fight with each other, and I’m always the one who end up crying and telling our mom (sumbongera!). But hey, don’t get me wrong, I was the younger one and I’m not much of a fighter compared to my sister. So I just cry and tell my mom, and she’ll pretend to spank my Nanan so I would stop crying. That was then, but now that we’re adults, it’s much different coz we don’t fight anymore. Nanan and me are very close and when we’re together, it seem as though we have our own world.

Both of my sisters are very protective of me. They even swore that if ever I’ll have an idiotic, lamebrain and dumbass boyfriend, they’ll be the first to kill him. hahaha… although it was just an exaggeration, but I know and I felt the love and care from those threats. Nevertheless, I feel comfortable knowing that my Ate and Nanan always got my back.

Presently, my sisters and I are now living separately. Ate is in Bohol, she's an OB-Gyne physician, Nanan is in New York working as a nurse, while I’m stuck here in Cebu taking up Law in USC. But as they say, distance can never separate hearts that truly care. Ate, Nanan and me may be far from each other, but our hearts and our minds are connected and will always stay close together forever.

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Ateko and Nananko! this piece is for both of you so that you would know how thankful I am to God for giving you to me, and how much I love you. What I am now is because of your love and support for me while I was growing up as a child, coping up with life as a teenager, and finally finding myself as an adult. THANK YOU both so much from the bottom of my heart! yo te amo con todo mi corazon! (i love you with all my heart)

hugs and kisses,

ndai girlie =)

my version of what happened that day

She sat there, scribbling some notes on a paper, thinking about the homework for the next subject which she wasn’t able to accomplish. It was just an ordinary Friday morning, or was it???!!

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And then finally the teacher arrived, her agitation just grew more each passing minute. She can’t do it now, she’s sitting at the front row and her teacher would surely see her. Oh how she regretted for being so lazy the night before. Then the moment came, the teacher immediately asked all the students to pass their homework. Suddenly the teacher approached her, she didn’t know what to do, she had nothing to pass. But what the teacher asked her to do was beyond confusing for her, she was asked to leave the class and go home. She was so confused and started to ask questions, but the teacher just told her to hurry up because her mother was waiting. So she gathered up her things and left the class trying to think of her teacher’s odd behavior. Why was she asked to leave the class early? But then she realized it was good anyway because she didn’t make the homework, and it was the last subject, she was tired and wanted to go home.

While descending the steps of the school lobby, she saw her elder cousin waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. Now she’s very much confused, why did her cousin pick her up from school? When she started to ask questions again, her cousin just told her to hurry because her mother is waiting, they have to go somewhere. Although she had no idea what exactly was going on, she just kept quiet and followed her cousin until they were outside the school gates. Then when she saw the car which her cousin was approaching to, she thought there must be some mistake. Why is her cousin (from her mother’s side) using the car of her other cousin from her father’s side? That day which she once thought to be just an ordinary day became so complicated. Nevertheless, she still remained quiet and got in the back seat of the car. The ride home seemed to be awkward, music was playing over the car radio, but her cousin never spoke a word. Finally, they reached home. She immediately noticed that there were so many people in their house, still she tried not to mind it. She got out of the car and went inside.

The first thing she noticed when she reached the wide-opened door was that their living room was totally empty and there was a huge carpet at the center. Then her first thought was, "oh yeah, the christmas party.", she almost forgot about that. But the moment she turned right, there she saw her mother, sitting in the sofa crying out her name so loud that she got frightened and dropped her school bag and everything she was carrying. Instinct led her to sit on her mother’s lap and hug her so tightly. Then her mother was starting to say words which she could hardly understand, "He left us Dai, your father left us! He’s gone! He’s gone!". Those simple words became the most difficult to understand. Her mother was crying so hard and was hugging her so tightly. So many thoughts entered her mind, what could have happened. She took a glimpse outside and looked for their car, it was missing, could it be an accident? Then suddenly, like a lightning flash, it hit her at the very center of her heart… Her father was dead. How can that be? This must be just a dream, a nightmare! But she could feel her mother’s tight hug, her tears falling, her heart breaking, her body shivering, and her mind trying to find answers.

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That was the most unforgettable day of my life. It was DECEMBER 17, 1999, the day my father died; the day when i thought my heart would break, and my world would end. He died of MI (Myocardial Infarction), or commonly known as heart attack, and not from a car accident which I first thought.

for you…

They say that the true test of strength and courage, is not by holding on or fighting for someone, but rather by letting go. Losing a loved one is probably the hardest challenge a person can ever encounter in his/her entire life. Sometimes, we live life as if it wouldn’t end, as if everything and everyone else around us will live on forever. We tend to get too busy with worldly things that sometimes we forget to find time to appreciate and show our love to the people who mean much much more to us than our jobs, cars, houses and other material things. Before we know it, these people will leave us for good. This is the time when we realize that we actually don’t own anything, even our lives and the lives of our loved ones were just borrowed from someone who is much greater than anything or anyone else. That someone can easily take back what was lent to us, and we have no choice but to let go no matter how painful it may be. And then with broken hearts, we look back to all those years we’ve wasted doing the things that don’t really matter in the end. Those years when we could have spent on more important or significant things in life, like showing our love and care for our family and friends. Like they say, regrets always come in the end.

So to all my family and friends, I’m glad I found this time to say thank you for everything, and that I hope you know how much I love and care for you! You mean more to me than anything else in this so-called "cruel world". I am doing this because I don’t want any regrets. I have lost a loved one 10 years ago, and I’m not sure if I have showed him enough how much I love him. I was deprived of time, he was taken away from me just a little too early. Everyday, I tell myself that although we were only given a short time to be together, I still have enough memories to keep with me for the rest of my life.

I wish you’re still here, to take away all my fears. How i long for a hug and kiss… coz DADDY it’s you that i miss… I l♥ve you!

– A sEcOnD cHaNcE –

This is just one of my favorite poems... and I'd like to share it with you.

A Second Chance (author: Chuck P.)

There are those moments in our lives
We would love to have again
A second chance to make it different
Than how it turned out then

A love once lost some years ago
When love to me was blind
I chose instead another path
When her (his) offer I declined

But the memories of that choice I made
Has haunted me so long
And to this day I still lament
That decision made so wrong

Not able am I to forget
That love I pushed aside
A lifetime full of happiness
To myself I have denied

I think about her (him) constantly
And wonder what she’d (he’d) do
If given now a second chance
The past I could undo

–LiFe iN tHe rEaL wOrLd–

Another post originally written exactly 4 years ago, March 23, 2006.

No longer true, as we speak...

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Today is just another ordinary day. I woke up early this morning, took a bath with my eyes closed. (oh yeah, just so you’ll know, I have a talent of doing things even with my eyes shut, especially when it’s so early in the morning and I'm still very sleepy.) So anyway, I stayed an extra 10minutes inside the bathroom, instead of my usual 30-minute shower, it took me 40 minutes to finish this morning. But actually, there’s no big deal about that coz there were even times when it took me an hour or 2 to shower. Moving on, after taking a bath, I got dressed for work, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth, and went on my way to our office. I work from 9am to 5:30pm Mondays to Fridays, then on Saturdays, 9am till 12noon.

I’m living a very routine life, home-work-home. I rarely go to the malls now because I have no one to accompany me and I don’t want to go malling alone. So ironic coz when I was in college, you can see my face in Ayala Mall for like every afternoon. But now, I can say my work became my life. I love my job, there’s no doubt about that. No matter how pressured I am especially when I do several things on my own, no matter how many mistakes I commit, and no matter how paranoid I become when there’s a problem, still I strive to overcome them all because in the end, I learn so many things, and they’re all worth it. Knowledge and experience are priceless treasures, and I want to have more of them. Yet sometimes I ask myself,"Now that you have a job, your own money, and your own life, are you happy?"

What surprises me is that I can’t be sure of my answer. There were times when I just lie down on my bed, alone in my room, and then tears start to fall. It was then when I realized that there’s a sadness within me, it has always been there no matter how loud I laugh. And until now, I still can’t figure out the reason for this feeling of sorrow. Is it becoz I'm living alone here in Cebu, my Mom and Ate are in Bohol, my other sister is in the US, and my Dad is in heaven? Yeah, most probably… or is it becoz I miss and haven’t seen my barkada in high school and college for quite a long time now? Yeah, perhaps… One thing’s for sure, I hate being alone, but that’s what I am now; or at least that’s what I feel… :(

~**~ FINALLY FREE ~**~

Another poem I wrote about someone I met 5 years ago.

I have no idea where he is right now,

but his warm smile and sunny disposition will always be in my heart. ♥ ~ ♥

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Perhaps forgetting me was just easy for you,

but believe me, forgetting you was so hard to do.

I’ve been to many places,

seen so many faces…

But the memory of your smile,

stayed with me like a saved file.

But then suddenly i’ve met someone…

whose smile is as bright as the sun.

Whenever his eyes met mine,

a memory of you is erased from my mind.

And so now i’m finally free,

free from the spell you left me… :)

…— MILES APART —…

This is a poem I made for someone from my childhood years.

I wrote it 7 years ago.

It may not be true anymore as of now, but the memories still live... :)

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I was young and you were near,

the sound of your voice never left my ears.

A sight of you makes my day complete,

the way you gaze made my heart skip a beat.

But to show you how i feel, i never did…

for you were young, and i was still a kid.

Years passed then you went away,

i could never ever forget that day.

If only i could turn back time,

i’d stop at nothing just to make you mine.

But now that we’re miles apart,

why can’t i get you out of my heart…

from jeans to skirt...

(This post is from my friendster blog account. I'm transferring all my posts here.)

article created: August 29, 2005

I’m just an ordinary fresh graduate who found her way in a not-so-ordinary international airline company. Actually, i have no idea how i got in. I just submitted an application letter, resume, and a very modest TCG (True Copy of Grades). Then they called me up for an exam and interview, and the next thing i knew, i was on my way to Manila for a 2-week training.

My life totally changed after i graduated from college. Before, i used to be a carefree, mind-ur-own-business student who goes to school in jeans and shirt. I never wore skirts (well, ok maybe once or twice. but that’s that!) because it’s just so "not-me" (hey! i can’t move around freely!) and definitely not practical since i had to take the jeepney to and from UP. Moving on, you can rarely see me wandering around the school campus alone, coz i’m always with someone or a group. When we (my barkada and blockmates) pass along the school corridors and covered-walk, or just hanging out in a "tambayan", we talk like each of us is 1km apart from the other. The other students who heard us must have thought we’re one noisy troupe. But who cares, we’re just enjoying each other’s company, and at least we’re minding our own business.

Then we talked, gossiped, and we laughed, giggled and sometimes, even sang like there’s no tomorrow. We lived life just like how we wanted it to be, not minding of what lies ahead of us. These are memories of my college years that i know i shall forever cherish. Years from now, my life might be totally different and there will no longer be traces of my UP college life, but i know that deep inside my heart, forever bustling, are the voices and laughters of those students who once had the time of their lives.

Now, as i’m writing this piece, i look back to the "Girlie" who was then an average college student, struggling with the many pressures both inside and outside the school campus. Yet still manages to laugh, giggle and fool around with her friends, wearing her most comfortable jeans and cute shirt. That "Girlie" was so different from the one who is now sitting behind a counter-table at the Asiana Airlines-Cebu office, facing the computer, and wearing a knitted blouse and a knee-level skirt (with matching cardigan, stockings and high heels). This is the new "me", not anymore carefree, not anymore noisy. (Well, ok fine! Only if i’m inside the office. Bwahahahaha!)